so xanga is my fall back when basically i'm bored out of my fucking mind. i'm trying SUPER hard not to text jason. i'm on probation. its for my own good ya know. of course i dont really need unlimited if thats the case cuz hes the only person i really send txts to. oh well. right now i'm attempting to transfer all of my pictures onto this laptop. its taking an incredibly long time since i have a million pictures and my flash drive only holds about 500 MB (whatever the things are called)...at a time. so thats how i'm killing time. i'm doped up on cold medicine. its sad really. last night i woke up like exactly 4 hours after taking NyQuil. its like my body knew the medicine wore off and i couldnt breathe or sleep or anything. i was too lazy to take any more so i just wrestled with my covers for about an hour until i couldnt stand it and went to the b-room to get some more. i hate this kind of sick cuz you can be like this for weeks. running nose, cough, scratchy throat, and completely exhausted. i would much rather be ill for 3 days puking my brains out and then healthy afterwards. soccer tryouts on tuesday should be fun considering i wont be able to breathe without the cold weather...then throw that in for kicks. blech.

all to say that i finished all my college shit. i'm super nervous. not joking at all. i am so worried that i'm not going to get accepted at all. then what? i need to talk to my uncle matt about writing me a recommendation. i should send him an email. actually i should go to bed...like now. yeah this is to be continued

i love you lis. i am applying to tufts. so i'll be in medford...if that works out.

okay so tomorrow...or rather today i being my resolutions. ewe. i should be sleeping right now...but i drank entirely too much dr. pepper today. even though it is my life force. but seriously...hyped up on the caffeine. i could be productive. its like if i'm gonna be awake why not clean my room or work on my lines. nope i am just chillin at the computer...hoping to get a reply from an honesty box msg on facebook. dear god how pathetic right? oh and i told mctaken that i was sick of being fucked around with. i dunno if he got that i was including him. then he made a joke and i smiled and fell head over heels again...SO SAD!!! like i cant be grumpy or moody around the boy...cuz he always manages to cheer me up. he fucking touched me (on my lower back) today trying to get past me between table 12 and 22 and said "excuse me sweetie, sorry"...i blushed and got butterflies. GAH!!! i feel like such a little girl with a teenage crush. wow didnt mean to turn that into a complete rant.

really i need to do something. i can only make up so many things to do before i ACTUALLY have to accomplish something. back to check facebook. i really need to go back into therapy...*sigh*

i really need to get in shape. i've frustrated with my body right now. and the pill has made me gain weight...mostly in my boobs. they are outrageously large right now. its not cool. but like shopping with my mom today was a pain in the ass...literally. i HATE jeans. yay sweatpants. seriously though i look terrible in both pairs that i got cuz of all the excess fat. and this is NOT me fishing for compliments...i am really angry about this. i just want to be normal. i will never be all thin and sexy...but normal and fit and athletic is fine by me. right now i am totally outta shape. so thats like new years resolution #1...which of course i am making these resolutions BEFORE news years...to be met BY new years...how spiffy right?

my next goal is to actually APPLY to a college...ya know...so i can get in!!! i may actually go work on some apps after writing this. i just need some self discipline. i am majorly lacking right now. i've really given up on school in general and thats bad. super bad.

my last is to SAVE $$$. i really want a iBook or iMac before school...and so i need to save. truthfully i want a fucking jetta...but thats not gonna happen anytime soon so i'm aiming for the computer. so i need to stop spending money on excess stuff like going out for fast food every fucking day and maybe i can save up some more. i think its a reasonable goal...if i stick to it.

so yeah. lose weight. get into college. and save my money. i can do it. maybe. and wow how can i forget the biggest one....SWEAR OFF BOYS. jeez they are just trouble and make me upset. i cant focus around them and i'm always moody. so NO BOYS! 

MEREDITH: "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

MEREDITH: “I can't even remember the last time we kissed. Because you never think the last time is the last time. You think you have forever, but you don't.”

DEREK: "It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole at the back of the neck. You'd just washed you hair and smelled like some kind of... flower. I was running late for surgery, you said you were going to see me later, and you lean to me, put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. Then you went back reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."

You know...one day that show will not be incorporated into my life...and i will not cry every fucking episode...even though those are from season 2. i'm distressed that the writer's are on strike...they better get it all sorted out before running outta episodes.

its sad though. why won't he just do that...why won't he just pick me! he's made it clear how he feels...so just DO IT. grrr.

boys boys boys

i've decided i need xanga. catherine made a post a little while ago. and with all the crap in my brain and such...i just need this vent...this way out. i wish i could write it all in a real journal but hey...welcome to 2007 (which is a crappy year btw). i read my last post. WOW. at first i didnt remember writing it. i think thats a good thing...did the job. so where to start where to start...???

boys. well boys suck. A LOT! i've really gotten myself into trouble with boys. i'm not gonna say i've made mistake...but i havent exactly made the best choices. really i dont even feel like catching "everyone" up. i'm just gonna jump into right now.

so - mcsketchy is driving me crazy. idk what to do anymore. i try to walk away...i try to imagine being w/o him and its okay right? then i go a few hrs just a few of not talking to him or txting him and i cant take it. i wonder how he is, what's he doing??? its like we're not in a relationship but i feel like we are and then we get around other people and we're not...its so confusing. life isnt supposed to be this hard. i'm not asking for a cake walk either but this? SERIOUSLY!?!?!?! plus i get impacted by all the emotional things. right now for example, i have a pounding head ache and i'm just taking the pain...sucking it up cuz eventually it will go away. but inside i can ignore my feelings for only so long until they all hit me and i start crying in the middle of rehearsal...or wherever. carin passed me in the hallway and said "you look angry"...thats my neutral face these days. i always looks angry or distressed or concerned or upset. i mean, yeah i've got alot on my mind but i cant hide it anymore. i used to be good at that. really good. so here i am with mcsketchy lying in bed going, "i dont want to get up. this feels right" then a few hours later after i've left of course i am nothing. or at least thats how i feel. but i really is an addiction i cant stop. and so many times i am quite content with my addiction. then i realize that when everything breaks down...at the end of the day i have nothing and no one. and i hate being alone.

then of course mctaken. i am head over heels for the boy. i've never felt like such a blubbering fool...i say stupid things (or at least i feel stupid saying them) and get all giggly. its ridiculous. he told me...he told me that under different circumstances we would/could be together. DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES?!?! wtf...so basically if you werent with her, you'd be with me. isnt that a sign? maybe not. i just dont see why when i'm with him...just him i feel different. alive. not like with mcsketchy. i'm happy...and he's the only guy who hasnt hurt me. the only one. he was there when i got hurt the first time. he's protected me since. but no. no chance. no prospects. its hopeless. so i go on dreaming and wishing that i werent so pathetically in love with the boy. and hoping that at another party another time or on a bench in the cold we'll get to sit together and talk. cuz thats the most romantic thing to me...maybe because i was drunk at the party and i couldnt feel my feet in the cold. its the imperfections that made it so sweet. to me at least.

i've talking to mcstupid a little. i want to be his friend. i want us to be able to start back over. but its not gonna happen. i screwed up too much...and well he did too. he really hurt me. i've never felt so used and cheap...NEVER. and what a blow to my self esteem, when i was just at a high point. i'm almost over it. but not really. it still sucks balls.

i miss dan. i've talked to him a few times. he's different...but its cool. its so nice to talk though. we've reached a point where (well at least i feel) we are totally at ease again. 45 min on the phone goes by as quickly as it used to and my day has now improved from talking to him. i can relax and say anything i want comfortably. he knows me and i know him. i finally have my best friend back.

okay well thats enough for one topic. tomorrow...i'll tackle another. this was just the surface of those damn boys!!!